The Wuss Toolbelt: Sarcasm

 Yes, hitting me only proves I'm right. And in need of a dentist and a new pair of glasses.

Yes, hitting me only proves I'm right. And in need of a dentist and a new pair of glasses.

Because of our lingering asthma and needed inhalers, we likely can't outrun our attackers, so we rely on the power of a well-turned phrase to really stick it to them just before our lights go out.

We dream of witnesses to the pummeling saying "Boy, that wuss sure got the stuffing beat out of them, but did you catch that sarcastic phrase?" That never happens. We just get beaten into next week. Yes, hitting me only proves I'm right, it also proves you are bigger than me and have the power to fold me to fit comfortably into a Chinese take-out box.

Here are a collection of beautifully crafted closing statements from some of the greatest minds in history. Sadly, not the greatest wusses in history, because, let's be honest, there's really no such thing. The resound grand turn of phrase only happens in movies. In reality we're likely to have the most stunning sentence in the world cut short by the inclusion of a fist in our pie-hole. But in our minds it was grand, so very, very grand.

H/T to The Sarcasm Society: 

“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. 
George Bernard Shaw

 “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
 
Oscar Wilde

“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. 
Mark Twain

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
 
Clarence Darrow

“You have delighted us long enough. 
  Jane Austen

 “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
 
William Faulkner

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
Steven Wright

“Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
 
Unknown

“His ignorance is encyclopedic.
 
Abba Eban
 
“I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.
 
George Bernard Shaw
 
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
 
Fred Allen