A small will be fine. Well maybe a medium. But never, ever a large.

Like everyone else, wusses have to eat. We tend not to eat a lot, otherwise our spindly little arms may gain some needed girth. If you know a wuss you'll see some interesting aspects in their dietary choices.

First, wusses won't go after a greasy hamburger, but we will open-palm slap an octogenarian for McDonald's fries (small, okay, maybe a medium). Wusses will decry large buffet restaurants, but will easily down a Subway footlong sandwich at virtually any time of day (besides, they are only $5).

Secondly, no spices. We are pansies. While we're on it, Fiji bottled water has a little more kick than it should. "Power" waters are right out, we're nervous about what's really in them. Tap water is also right out, do you know where that water's been? It's a hard-knock life. A clean glass of aspertame-laden Diet Pepsi with lemon would be nice. But to repeat, no spices. Pepper is a spice. Cinnamon in my slightly above room temperature cocoa? No, that's a spice. Curry? Really? You have to ask? Now where's my Diet Pepsi?

Thirdly, you can always be safe dining with a wuss. We will never eat anything off your plate. Plus we will never embarrass you by sending something back to the kitchen or make a special request. That might lead to a conflict, and no one wants that. We like Chinese food because the menus lay out the expected behavior in no uncertain terms: "no substitutions." We like that. Steamed rice will be fine. And a lemon in my Diet Pepsi would be great. Oh, no lemons, okay. And it's Diet Coke? That will be fine. Thank you.